American Beauty - Annette Bening I Will Sell This House Today

When you're falling behind in this big blue world...

I am a real Jeckell/Hyde type when it comes to optimism. I was born with a strong cynic inside me, one who sneaks in at unexpected times and layers its whim over the top of my natural sincerity and hope, giving me a speech impediment wherein I may always sound like I am being sarcastic, but trapped underneath that veil is a sentimental fool. So today I had one of those moments that, since 1998, I refer to as an American Beauty moment. If you've seen the movie, you know the one. Annette Benning, playing a real estate agent who has failed to sell a house after a manic episode of reciting positive affirmations while housecleaning , crumples against the floor in disappointed tears...and then, there is this moment, a conscious shift that she will not let this destroy her, that she will keep trying. Benning begins to slap herself violently, cursing herself for being weak, and a moment later she stops crying, adjusts her suit and is off to try, try again.
I guess I identify with this moment--I have failed a lot in my life, but I am incredibly persistent as I move toward my goals, and this stubbornness has gotten me up off that floor many times. Yet there is something a little masachistic about it, and today when I crumpled to the floor in dissapointment it was not Annette Benning I thought of--no more American Beauty moments for me. No, the pop culture icon that sprung to my mind was Ugly Betty--the persistent and sincerely optimistic television character who consistently transcends the meanness of people, the ugliness of life and the inequity of the workplace with her positivity. In my frustration, I asked myself, "What would Ugly Betty do?", and the first thing that came to mind was "start a blog". My focus will be "What do I do with a Masters degree in Contemporary Performance?", therefore this blog may meander between larger issues of being over-educated and under-employed to more specific discussion of contemporary performance.

A very full month

Yes, its been a month, oh cyber-spheric universe. I mostly just popped back on to see what my other blogger friends were up to. I have fallen into the Facebook universe, which is a bit more manageable with my grad school schedule. How easy it is simply to publish one line about my current state than to fill a blog posting with something useful. I am working on a solo show right now, which is actually quite thrilling. I just got done studying acting with Steve Wangh and have gone straight into the study of "Moment Work" with Leigh Fondokowski from Tectonic Theatre. I have had almost no time to absorb the immensity of what I have learned in the last few weeks, but I sense that my artistic self is transforming on a daily basis. For the sake of posting an inspirational link, check out some beautiful images of neurons:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neurons
And happy Valentine's Day, to all who celebrate love...

The immensity of time and space

I am back and finally getting my bearings, after one month in the parallel dimension that is Oregon. When I was there, I felt as if everything that happened to me in Colorado was but a dream. Now that I am back, it seems impossible that life goes on just as it did in Oregon. My collaborators tried to explain to me about time and stars. They tell me that when we look to the sky and see a star, what we are seeing is not where the star is anymore, because in the time between the star sending the light and me receiving it the star itself has moved on. I wonder if there is such a rift even in the miles between my these two states where I live? Officially there is only a one hour difference, yet how can these two worlds ever really know about each other? If we were to abandon our technology, and I was to try to beam whatever light or energy I possess as a living creature back to my home in Portland, would it ever make it? Or even if I were to use the available technologies, can they really get the essence of this experience, here and now, all the way home? I don't believe so. I think I can never do much better than that star, sending my light and moving on, not worrying about who will see it and when. Or, as the cliche goes, I must be here now, wherever I am. Let's get back to linking, shall we? I will go ahead and link you to the website of one of the most beautiful places that I have ever been, the place where my heart wants to be tonight: www.calderaarts.org
And I will post a few pictures from the amazing 8 days that I spent there this month with Joel and Fever...

Blame it on the snow...

Snowed in in Portland, OR! At least I am with my sweetheart...

The What

Its been a while, and I can tell through your silence that your are passive aggressively sulking, oh blog readers of my imagination. Well never fear, Kate is here, with a big recommendation for you! I just finished reading Dave Eggers' recent book, What is the What, which tells the amazing (and for the most part true) story of a Sudanese refugee. It is a highly enjoyable read, though I will not pretend that it didn't depress and enrage me greatly. If you buy this book, all of the proceeds go to helping rebuild Sudan and contributing to the needs of the Sudanese refugees living in America.
http://www.amazon.com/What-Vintage-Dave-Eggers/dp/0307385906/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1228604053&sr=8-1
Here is the myth:
"God made the monyjang tall and strong, and he made their women beautiful, more beautiful than any of the creatures of the land...and when God was done, and the monyjang were standing on the earth waiting for instruction, God asked the man, 'Now that you are here, on the most sacred and fertile land I have, I can give you one more thing. I can give you this creature, which is called the cow'...God showed man the idea of the cattle, and the cattle were magnificent. They were in every way exactly what the monyjang would want. The man and woman thanked God for such a gift, because they knew that the cattle would bring them milk and meat and prosperity of every kind. But God was not finished. God said, 'You can either have these cattle, as my gift to you, or you can have the What.'"
The story goes on, but the essential question we are left with is; What is the what? Read the book, tell me your answer to this...

Investment advice

Hello? Hellllooooooooooooooooooo? Anybody out there? Its me, Fever Kate. I have emerged from the cocoon that is the Nalanda campus where I have lived almost non-stop for the last month. I have Suzuki-ed with Leon Ingulsrud, I have Grotowski-ed with Erica Berg, I have made my first solo piece that had other people in it, I have toiled on behalf of the honeybees, I have drank many ounces of booze, I have slept little. And suddenly I am expected to have days off? Highly suspicious...Hey kids, what time is it? Its "Kate references a depressing political documentary time"! Last night I watched Maxed Out, a lovely portrait of several families who's loved ones (ranging from teenagers to mothers) have offed themselves because they were drowning in debt. Oh but don't fret, even those of us who have not yet succumbed to credit card debt have much to plague us--the national debt which is eating away our tax dollars in interest, the dissappearing social security fund, the increasing difficulty in getting a home loan. At the end of the movie the economist that was their specialist throughout is describing the most desperate Americans, and I suddenly realized she was talking about me! "Living paycheck to paycheck, unable to pay their medical bills, if even one thing goes wrong in their life it can set off a financial catastrophe" Yep, that sounds about like the tightrope that I am walking. Yet I know I am much better off than most of the people who were interviewed. I have invested in myself, rather than stocks and bonds, I believe this is the most secure investment that can be made. I am healthy, educated, growing into a more well-rounded person every day. And I may just make it through the semester without any credit card debt, though the student loan debt will be a proud badge that I wear for most of my adult life. Okay, so investment advice: Don't eat crap, work on yourself, do yoga, do what you love, don't trust anybody that offers you a free lunch and has a place to sign for it. And remember that you don't need money to be happy--cheesy but true. And never ever ever think that your life is worth less than your financial debt. Money is a symbol that represents goods and services--it has no inherent value, whereas you inhabit in your being all the value that there is in the universe.